I’m anxious as hell

I’m writing this as I bite my nails down to the quick. Even though I’ve stopped doing it years ago biting them. But here I am biting my nails again and it’s all your fault.

Well actually it might be mine as well. I thought when I texted you last week for your birthday  I would feel at peace. I would close the book it would be one last farewell a final goodbye. But then you answered and suddenly I panicked.

I became anxious because it was so unexpected. I didn’t expect you to answer to say anything. But of course you were sending hugs to me and I was sending hugs to you back and it was all a mess. A romantic mess granted.

But now it all sucks because I’m all anxious and stupid unliking and liking reels about the red string and soul connections and right person and wrong time.

And wondering why we are both clinically online? And why for the love of God I can get no sleep? I keep thinking I should have asked you about your tattoo, and your weekend plans.Maybe on second thought I should have skipped your birthday all together.

Eaten a pint of ice cream although I’m lactose intolerant so that wouldn’t really work it would have to be a sorbet. But a sorbet doesn’t hit as hard as ice-cream. Basically I shouldn’t have undone all of my healing sending you a message, opening the door so wide our two bodies fit.

If I hadn’t listened to that horrible organ known as my heart I wouldn’t even be a nervous wreck now.

I would be at peace smelling the flowers instead of wondering why the hell you are posting an Instagram story? About a French artist when I was just in Paris posting paintings hanging inside a museum.